


Instead of Sheep

by SebsNightmareCure (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bedtime Stories, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fairy Tales, Fluff, Hair Washing, Insomnia, M/M, Steve Rogers Gets a Hug, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Swimmer Bucky Barnes, Swimmer Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 00:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13260159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/SebsNightmareCure
Summary: Bucky knew something was wrong. It was subtle, unnoticed by anyone but him. And almost invisible shift from normal to wrong, but it was there. It was written across Steve’s face as clear as paint on a canvas. Steve wasn’t okay, and that meant that Bucky wasn’t okay either.





	Instead of Sheep

**Author's Note:**

> Boarding School AU where Bucky and Steve are dating. Bucky still has his metal arm, just assume he was in a car crash or something like that. Title from the quote: When I'm worried, and cannot sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep. - Bing Crosby.

Bucky knew something was wrong. It was subtle, unnoticed by anyone but him. And almost invisible shift from normal to wrong, but it was there. It was written across Steve’s face as clear as paint on a canvas. Steve wasn’t okay, and that meant that Bucky wasn’t okay either.  
The morning had started the same way it always did. Steve went down to the campus pool early, preparing for the Regional Championships that were looming on the horizon. Bucky stayed in bed for a while, just enjoying the feeling of warm sheets. He got up, did his yoga, showered and climbed back into bed, and pretended to be asleep when Steve got back, hair still wet from his swim, and woke him gently. Everything was exactly as it should be.   
Except for Steve. Steve wasn’t how he should be. It was the subtle things that Bucky noticed. His Stevie’s eyes were a little distant, not quite vacant, as if the happy light that lived there was packing up to leave, but hadn’t left yet. Little lines of worry walked their stressful way across his face, and he wasn’t eating with the same gusto he usually did. Bucky decided to try and work out what was going on.  
“How was the pool this morning?” asked Bucky. Steve looked up from his omelette, zoning in on his boyfriend’s face. He hadn’t been paying attention. Bucky repeated his question. Steve shrugged, and waited a few moments before continuing.  
“Uh, it was good. Yeah, it was um, really,” Steve gestured in circles with his fork, trying to him the right word, “good. Had the pool to myself.”  
That shot down Bucky’s first theory. If Brock or Peter had joined him, it would explain how Steve acting. Brock always managed to get on his nerve with his arrogance. He would have goaded Steve into racing him, and when he lost, he would have had a blowout when he lost. If Peter was there, he would cause chaos without even trying. He tended to talk unto he passed out or Coach Fury pushed him in the pool, and would have made Steve’s morning distracted and unproductive.  
“Looking forward to Championships?” asked Bucky. Maybe the competition was worrying him, making him nervous somehow. Steve was the best swimmer on the team, and he was bound to place in any race he swam in. But, the pressure sometimes got to him.  
Steve just nodded in reply. Bucky decided to drop the issue. If Steve wanted to share whatever was bothering him, he would. For now, he didn’t so Bucky finished up his breakfast before heading off to his first class of the day.   
___________

Whatever was going on with him, it had gotten worse the next day. They were spending their free period in the library. Bucky was researching the Westward Expansion for his History paper that was due the following monday. At least, he was trying to. He couldn’t focus when his Stevie was looking like that.  
He was hunched over a book, reading it with an intense level of focus. He was holding his neck with his right arm, and holding that arm with the left. His hair, which was usually styled upwards in a smooth wave, was lying flat over his face. And his eyes, his eyes, it broke Bucky’s heart to look at them. The light was fading fast from them, leaving them a cold blue.  
Bucky felt himself sigh, reading abandoned, and just stared at Steve. His Steve, in pain and out of reach.   
Steve must have noticed him. He looked up from his book. He suddenly didn’t look so disconnected. He looked angry, shooting his gaze right at Bucky.   
“Knock it off.” he muttered darkly, sounding completely unlike himself. It surprised Bucky. Steve never spoke to him like that. Not even when he was being a little shit. Which was most of the time.  
Bucky opened his mouth to respond, not entirely sure what he was wanting to say. He closed his mouth again.  
This must have annoyed Steve more, because he scoffed loudly, slammed his book closed, and stormed out of the library. Bucky watched him go. The muscles in his shoulders were clenched in rage, anger soaked his every move.  
There was nothing for it, Bucky was just going to have to work out what was wrong with his best guy. He wasn’t going to let him tear himself apart anymore.

___________

Bucky went down to breakfast alone the next morning. Steve sneaked out of their dorm, and didn’t wake Bucky when he returned. He just slipped off to dining hall, leaving Bucky to get up on his own, and make his own way to breakfast. He waited a few minutes before following his roommate to breakfast.   
The hall was quiet, as usual. Most students didn’t eat this early, so Bucky brought the total of diners to six. He locked eyes with Steve, who was sliding his omelette around his plate absentmindedly. He looked sad, the light had entirely left his eyes, everything that made Steve himself seemed to have slipped away. Bucky had to force himself to order breakfast, when all he really wanted was to go over and hug the sadness out of Steve.  
He had just gotten his breakfast, and was making his way over to the table where the blonde had been sitting, when he noticed that the table was empty. He looked around the hall quickly, and caught a glimpse of Steve’s body disappearing out the door, leaving nothing but an empty plate to prove he had really been there.   
It hurt. It fucking sucked, his best guy avoiding him. It was like losing an arm, metaphorically speaking. Bucky had actually lost an arm, and it was a very different experience to this. It was more like losing your mind. You could remember having it, you just couldn’t quite get it back. It was gone. Fading into nothingness. Kinda like the light in Steve’s eyes. God, what Bucky wouldn’t give to be able to help. He’d trade his one good arm for the chance to make it all better.   
He ate his breakfast. The food was warm, but he barely tasted it, his mind wandering.  
It was at training that he finally worked it all out. They were having races, training for the Championships. Bucky was watching as Sam, Brock, and Steve stepped up to the blocks, preparing to go. For the first time in days, Bucky looked at Steve, really looked at him, all of him. His shoulders were sagged, the weight of his arms seemingly too much for his body to carry. His head was flopped over to the side, almost resting on his shoulder, and he was swaying slightly, like grass in the wind. And it hit him, the blindingly obvious truth. Steve looked tired. Exhausted, even, and worried.   
Bucky had to stop himself from smacking his head with his hand. Steve wasn’t a good sleeper when he was younger. He was sick and weak. Sometimes he got so sick that they thought he might not make it through the night. He would fight off sleep to try and stay alive a little longer. And after the accident, Steve had stayed awake for days to make sure Bucky was going to pull through. The poor guy would lose sleep over the people he loved, and one sleepless night would meld into another. Days without the sweet release if slumber gets to you in the deepest sort of way. He should have seen it earlier.  
His theory was confirmed when Steve all but fell into the pool, his body not responding fast enough. He still managed to win the race, but not by much. He was clearly mad at himself, beating himself up over the fact that he couldn’t be perfect. Years without control of his own body left a mark on him, and every time he failed, it stung in a way that Bucky could only imagine.   
He was going to help his boyfriend. He knew how now, and wasn’t that the best feeling in the world.

___________

 

Bucky went upstairs from dinner early, having scoffed down his dinner so fast that it almost made him sick. But, he needed to help Steve. And to help Steve, he had to be ready.   
Steve arrived from the dining hall some fifteen minutes later. He looked around the dorm, and his eyes fell on Bucky. A rush of guilt flooded him. He’d been a dick the past few days. Bucky was just trying to be nice to him, and help him out, and he’d chucked a temper tantrum. Well, that’s what happens when you don’t sleep for four days and get annoyed.  
He turned to apologise to Bucky, when he noticed. Bucky was lounged on the couch, surrounded by an absurd amount of pillows and blankets. He was dressed in the softest looking blue sweater Steve had ever seen, and he was reading. Steve didn’t have time to speak, because Bucky got the first word.  
“Haven’t been sleeping well, have you, Stevie?” He shut his book, standing up and walking over his boyfriend. Steve felt the weight of the last couple of days start to fall off his shoulders. He didn’t know what to say, so he shrugged a little, before looking at the floor and nodding. Of course Bucky had worked it all out. That was what his gorgeous guy, he solved other peoples problems.  
“It’s okay, big guy. I can fix that.” Bucky gave him the sweetest smile that had ever existed. And that just broke Steve’s heart. Bucky wanted to help, even after all he’d put him through. Steve had yelled at him, abandoned him, and ignored him for goddamn days, hadn’t so much as touched him since before he stopped sleeping, and Bucky still wanted to be nice to him. Steve was a horrible boyfriend.   
And suddenly, everything that had happened over the past few days came crashing down on him. He let out one low, pathetic sob, before launching himself into his perfect boy’s arms, and sobbing his heart out.  
“Oh Stevie. Hey, hey, hey, what’s gonna on, sweetheart? C’mon, let’s get you onto the couch.” He steered the sobbing Steve onto the couch, wrapping him in his arms, and throwing a blanket over him.   
Steve sobbed. Great aching hiccups of pain made real poured out of his mouth, as he bleed his should for Bucky. The tears were coming in bucketful, making him face wet and his eyes sting. He couldn’t stop. He needed to talk to Bucky, to tell him what had happened, to apologise, but he couldn’t. He just kept crying.  
Bucky was almost crying himself. He was so grateful to have his boyfriend back in his arms, but it was still fucking heart breaking to watch Steve falling apart like that. He pulled the man closer to his chest, resting his head on top of the blonde’s. Steve pulled himself in closer, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s neck, trying to get closer to the one he loved. He’d missed this guy, he’d missed the hugs and the whispered conversations, he’d missed his Bucky, his angel.  
Bucky held him until he had calmed down. His sobs gave way, closely followed by the gabled apologises that had been building inside of Steve.  
“Bucky, I am so, so sorry. Oh, my god, Buck. I-I-I, I just, I’m so sorry. I love you and I’m… sorry, just so sorry. Bucky, I couldn’t - and then it just all came out wrong and I - I couldn’t, Bucky. I’m sorry.”  
He had his face buried in Bucky’s neck, trying to catch his breath, breathing in the scent of his best guy. The scent he loved the most in the world. He’d missed the smell of Bucky on him.  
Bucky was a little lost. Steve was still in tears, and it was all he could do to keep from crying himself. He just wanted to shower him with his love and forgiveness.  
“Hey, Stevie, can you look at me, my love?”   
Steve pulled his head away from Bucky’s neck, shooting him a watery smile. Bucky gave him a soft grin.  
“It’s all alright, Steve. You’re okay, and that’s what matters to me. All the other stuff doesn’t matter. Now, how about we give you a bath, wash all the tears away, and I’ll read you a bedtime story. Sound good?”  
Steve smiled a gentle smile, his eyes aglow for the first time in days. Bucky used to read to him when they were kids, when Steve was too sick to read for himself. When they got a bit older, Bucky would wash his hair in the sink when he got stressed.   
“Sounds great.” He burrowed a little closer to his boyfriend. Bucky gave him one last tight hug, before pulling away.   
“Go get undressed. I’ll run the bath.” he said, making to walk towards the bathroom. He stopped after a few steps, and turned to give Steve a kiss. It was the best thing Steve had felt for days.

___________

Running a bath was a great idea in theory. Unfortunately, not even the prefect’s dorm came with a bath. They had a small-ish shower with a detachable shower head and a drain. But, Bucky was nothing if not resourceful, and by the time Steve joined him, he had it all planned out.  
One look at Steve and he had to stop himself from giggling. Steve had mostly gotten undressed, but he tended to be shy about this sort of thing. Steve liked to be modest, and never took his clothes off if he didn’t have to, wanting to keep his body out of the eyes of the general public. It shouldn’t have surprised Bucky that he had opted to wear his swimming trunks.  
Bucky gave him a fond but cheeky grin. “Afraid I’m gonna see your winky, huh Stevie?”   
Steve blushed hard. He stammered to say something, but Bucky cut him off.  
“Get over here, you nerd, and stop being so adorable.” He pulled him over my his arm, giving him a kiss on the forehead. Steve blushed a slightly darker shade of red, and gave a small chuckle. Bucky guided him to sit on the floor of the shower. Steve was facing the shower wall, unable to see what was going on behind him.  
Bucky knelt on the floor behind him, and reached for the shower head. Giving Steve a gentle stroke on the shoulder to warn him, Bucky turned the tap on, and water began raining out of the head. He waited until it was sufficiently warm, before moving it to pour over Steve’s head. His hair flattened under the spray, falling over his eyes and becoming a darker shade of blonde. The boy in question sagged in pleasure, his head lolling forward as he hummed happily. He was calm for the first time in days. The weight if the world was washing away down the drain.  
He was so relaxed that he whined when Bucky turned the shower head off, preparing to put the shampoo into his boyfriend’s hair. It made Bucky laugh. Steve was just too cute sometimes.  
“Settle down, I’m just getting the shampoo.” He laughed, reaching behind him to grab the shampoo off the sink. Steve made a happy noise at the promise of Bucky playing with his hair some more.  
The brunet rolled up the sleeves of his now-wet sweater, and set to work lathering the fruity cream into the other’s hair. This was his favourite part of the process. He got to worship Steve in the best way he could, by showing him the love that Bucky felt for him so he could feel it too. He worked a generous lather into his hair, pressing his fingers into the scalp and scratching down into his sideburns. Steve would have been purring if he could have, but he settled for humming and groaning instead.   
When the bubbles were threatening to overpower him, Bucky reached for the shower head once more. He placed his right hand the blonde’s eyes gently, and used his metal hand to guide the shower head over his hair, washing the bubbles away for good. He used more water than strictly necessary, simply because he was enjoy the sensation of Steve pressing his face against the palm of his hand.  
He was preparing to start it all again with conditioner when Steve spoke.  
“Ma was in hospital again. I got the call a couple of days ago. She’s fine now, back home. It just, uh, it scared me. I don’t know what I’d do if I…” He trailed off, but Bucky knew exactly what he meant. Steve loved his mother more than he loved anyone, even Bucky. She’d been there for both of them over the years, always there supporting them, and Bucky loved her the he loved his own mother.   
Though the news was shocking, Bucky found great relief in it. It explained Steve’s fear, the worry that plagued him for days. No wonder he’d been so sad and lost. But, Sarah Rogers was the strongest women Bucky knew, and she had bested everything that had been thrown at her so far. Steve was so much like his mother, it wouldn’t be at all surprising to him if she was lying awake worrying that Steve was lying awake worrying.   
“She’s alright, doll. You don’t need to be scared anymore.” He turned Steve’s head towards him, pulling him in for a few comforting kisses. “Plus, what would Mrs Rogers say if she knew you were worrying about her like that?”  
It made them both laugh. Steve agreed that she would probably fly all the way out to their school just to scold him for being such a worry wart, but give up on that plan as soon she arrived in favour of hugging him until he forgot what he was worried about in the first place.   
They continued the bath in silence. Bucky spent a good ten times just massaging Steve’s scalp, making sure he felt as good as possible. He only decided to stop when Steve began to squirm, becoming uncomfortable sitting on the floor of the shower for so long. He washed the last of the suds off, and a wrapped a towel around the other boy’s shoulders.  
Steve preferred to dry himself off, so Bucky left him to it, moving into the next room to change. His sweater was drenched and would likely shrink now, having been exposed to so much water, but it had been well worth it. He loved it when he got the chance to do something that made other people truly happy, especially his guy. He changed quickly into his pyjamas, and threw his hair into a messy bun. He would have a few more minutes before Steve was ready to join him, which left him time to solve his next dilemma. A bedtime story. Bucky was pretty damn sure that Steve wouldn’t want to hear him read from any of the books he had in the dorm, and it was too damn late to run down to the library. He was going to have to improvise.  
His maths textbook went on the pile of books that weren’t going to cut it. Algebra wasn’t exactly the type of exciting discovery that good books were made of. He searched the whole dorm, not finding a single book worth reading. In one, last-ditch attempt to find something worth their time, Bucky checked Steve’s backpack. That kid was always carrying some sort of reading material. He unzipped the bag, and starting pulling things out at random.  
The heavens must have been smiling down upon him. A book of faerie tales lay at the bottom. Steve’s class was doing myths and legends for their English class, of course he was studying faerie tales. Bucky nearly kissed the book in relief, but thought better of it. He instead began to set up for the night.  
Steve walked into their bedroom a couple of minutes later, looking content and sleepy. Bucky had outdone himself. The room was cozy and inviting, pillows and blankets loaded onto Steve’s bunk, and cascading over the side. The lights were dimmed, giving the room a peaceful glow. It was like a photo from a decorating magazine. And then there was Bucky.  
He was more beautiful than the moon, standing there in his baggy sweatpants, a book tucked under his arm, a mug of something cradled in his metal arm. He smiled at Steve when he entered the room, face lifting into a tired grin. He reached out his arms, passing the cup to Steve.  
It was warm, the perfect drinking temperature. He couldn’t quite work out what it was. It smelt nice, and Steve brought it closer to his face, trying the think what it might be.  
He looked very cute with his face scrunched up in confusion. Bucky let out a deep chuckle.  
“It’s just milk, Stevie.” He kissed him on the cheek, leading him by his spare hand to sit on the bed. The brunet tucked the blankets up around the blonde, cocooning him in the soft fabric. When he was certain that Steve was comfortable, he sat on the edge of the bed, and cracked open the book.  
“Okay. Which one do you want to hear?” There was an interesting selection of them, including a few Bucky had never heard of. He glanced over the list, before speaking again. “How about The Brewery of Eggshells? I’ve never heard of that one.”   
Steve laughed. “You won't like it. It’s about a woman whose twins get swapped for changelings, and she is forced to make ridiculous amounts of porridge. He drowns them in the river.”  
The look on Bucky’s face was priceless. He looked horrified, curious, and impressed all at the same time. He let out a nervous chuckle, before scanning the contents again.  
“How Some Children Played at Slaughtering? The Pied Piper? Where are all the normal ones?” He searched the list for something less disturbing. He settled in the end on Chicken Little, because that was a children’s movie with a non-violent ending, wasn’t it.  
“Okay. Chicken Little. Let’s go.” He cleared his throat. “Chicken Little likes to walk in the woods. She likes to look at the trees. She likes to smell the flowers. She likes to listen to the birds singing.”  
He read on, giving each of the characters obnoxiously squeaky voices to add to the narrative. Steve was laughing. But not because of Bucky’s storytelling. Well, kinda because of Bucky’s storytelling, but more because he knew how the story ended.  
“‘Come right in.’ says Foxey Loxey. They all go in, but they never c- what!” Bucky slammed the book shut, looking appalled. Steve on the other hand, was laughing like a madman. Bucky put two and two together, before giving Steve a playful shove on the leg.  
“You knew! You asshole!” But he was laughing, too.   
They laughed for what felt like hours. They ended up huddled together, giggling and enjoying each other’s company. Bucky let out a calming sigh, and nuzzled close to Steve’s chest.   
“Sleep in my bed tonight?” Steve asked, pouting slightly.  
“Sure, Stevie.”  
And there they stayed, cradled in each other’s arm, until the light of dawn kissed their sleeping faces in the morning. And Bucky knew that everything was alright.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this work, you can leave me a comment down below. You can also follow me on tumblr @sebastianthechristmaswhore for memes and shenanigans. Kudos much appreciated, and stay tuned for more works!


End file.
